Aug 20 2006
Dear Diary- How are you? I am fine. Fondly, Kara
Looking through my old diaries, it would be hard to tell that I would some point use it as an outlet for all that energy bouncing around inside me. The handwritten words are awkward as I remember feeling. Expressing angst insecurity and the occasional victory. “Dear Diary, You’re never going to believe what happened today…” The voice I wrote in was soooo contrived and forced that my involuntary reaction to some entries is to cringe… as much because of what I DIDN’T write than what I did. Between the lines of “I don’t like so-and-so anymore” and “today was so boring” I was transforming from a girl to a woman, kicking and screaming through all of those confusing changes. Still am, come to think of it.
After college, I started a gratitude journal as per Oprah’s suggestion. It was rarely opened without tears staining my face. (I know, I TOTALLY missed the point.) It was where I dumped emotional turmoil from my first 6 months as a single girl in New York. Later, it was where I wrote down things that came up in my 4 year relationship. They belonged as much to him as they did to me so I confided in my diary instead of friends because I so fiercely wanted to protect and respect his privacy. The emotions were more raw and honest.
Still, much like it’s juvenile and adolescent predecessors, there’s a big piece missing. The good parts. The happy memories, the lessons learned, the strength that comes from dusting yourself off and chuckling rather than licking wounds and cowering in the corner.
